Friday, May 24, 2013

Toys, Sex, & Daddy Issues.

Toys, Sex, & Daddy Issues. Welcome to Toys Are Not for Children.

Oh, Jamie. She really loves toys and misses her 'daddy' so much. Ever since daddy left her and mom, Jamie has never been the same since she grinds on the toy soldier her dad gave her many years ago. When she grinds that toy soldier between her legs, she whispers in pleasure "daddy, oh daddy". Cute.

When Jamie marries her co-worker Charlie; Jamie's world changes for the strangest because she doesn't let her husband near her lady parts and she becomes very close friends with a prostitute named Pearl. Apparently Pearl knows Jamie's dad very well. In fact, Pearl is dad's favorite 'woman'. As her marriage fails and becomes closer to Pearl & her pimp, Jamie herself enters the prostitution game where she screws old guys (because they remind of her daddy), and this eventually leads to a predictable reunion between Jamie and her daddy. This reunion is unpleasant and quite tragic.

Toys Are Not for Children is quite the underrated gem! Everything about this movie is just fascinating. From the way it looks, sounds, and the actors playing these real-life type of characters are just amazing. I can't think of a reason to dislike this movie at all. Speaking of the actors, the actress that played Jamie (Marcia Forbes) is such a babe. I honestly couldn't take my eyes off her through out the entire movie. She's so pretty and innocent looking. Ya gotta love her! Such a shame she never starred in other movies though. She was definitely pretty and not too bad of an actress either. Where are you, Marcia Forbes?

Toys Are Not for Children is a must watch for the daddy issue/sexual awakening enthusiast. Watch it, friends. 7/10.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Don Chido, Chido, Chido.

In Juan Camaney De La Mafia (or "El Chido: El Don De La Mafia"), Juan Camaney (Luis De Alba) becomes a mob boss after kicking some rival mobsters' asses. Juan Camaney now called "Don Chido" and in control of a 'powerful' crime syndicate; goes out to nightclubs that play heavy metal music, harass his rivals in immature ways, screws around & plays with food with a hot chick, and squirts water at traitors with a water pistol (seriously).

Juan Camaney De La Mafia is just plain awful. Its pretty much just like Fachoso y Mitotero since its so boring, not funny, and soooo, soooo stupid. Who wrote this fucking movie? Did they really think it was gonna be something quirky & funny just because it involves mobsters and Luis De Alba? Come on now, man. This was some stupid shit right here.

This movie is is an epic failure. Also a big waste of $9 (argggghhh!!) and a big waste of time. Don't watch it, please!

Fuck Juan Camaney, Fuck Don Chido, and fuck the fucking rest of the Mexican mafia in this movie. 1/10.

If you know what metal song plays in the nightclub, let me know since I find it quite catchy.